When it comes to embarking on a new “serious” love story, sometimes you have a sweet tooth. We have deciphered, with Christophe Giraud, sociologist and author of “New love story”, what can sometimes keep us on the doorstep
Being afraid to commit is a behavior often associated with men. Stereotypes have a difficult life. On the one hand, not everyone is afraid, on the other hand, women also have their fears. What is behind this fear? Why, while this story smells good, we prefer not to venture out? Christophe Giraud, sociologist, has just published Armand Colin new love story, which studies the new way in which young women enter into love, with caution and without illusion. Investigation into the why and how some are afraid to get involved, in order to better understand each other and accept their blockages.
Falling in love is a risk
We are afraid of suffering. Some have already suffered, others have not. But the very idea of ending up heartbroken, no thanks. Many women repeat that they do not prefer to take the risk of falling in love, of opening up, only to end up in small pieces, disappointed and damaged. “Love is a hazardous experience, comments Christophe Giraud. Falling in love is a risk (that of being rejected by the partner, of getting bored) and the fact of settling together is also a risk (that it does not work) with the cohabiting spouse). ” So before embarking body and soul, caution is in order. In order not to climb too high and crash into pain, we prefer the step by step, a way of reassuring ourselves and taming our fear. Even if it means making a commitment, we might as well be sure that we will not suffer. “Young adults want to be sure that the feelings they feel are common, so that one is not dependent on the other”, continues the specialist. Knowing reversible love means realizing that the outcome of the relationship will not necessarily be what you expect, but it is also an opportunity to take your time and not skip the steps to preserve. And there is nothing wrong with that.
We blamed too many failures. Whether we have suffered or not, we notice that our relationships fail every time. No need to end up unhappy to realize that we are facing a recurring pattern. So if it’s to crash again, what’s the point of committing? “Failure is disillusioning in the sense that it leads to a critique of ideal love scenarios, of stereotypes of what love is, it forces us to be more reflective in any new relationship,” observes the sociologist. The good news is that looking deep inside you might think that love “for life” is a big hoax, but you don’t dismiss the idea that one day it might work. The desire to form a couple, it tempts us. We do not rule out the idea, but we pay more attention to perceived feelings, to proofs of love, so as not to reproduce the same relationships as before. So rather than thinking only about past failures and possible failures to come, let’s focus on what we feel most intimate, namely this dream of ideal love, which will lead us to new adventures.
We don’t feel up to it. For some, the fear of making a commitment comes from a lack of confidence. Since we suck and are not worth it, we will never be able to make someone happy and our relationship will be like nothing. We prefer to stay away from this vast amorous world, where stories are made and unmade. On the dating market, some people have more or less’ capital ‘to put forward. Some may feel rejected in advance, discouraged, like the young peasants of Bern whom Pierre Bourdieu observed in’ The Celibate Bar’. But a long story that ends or failures can also lead to some form of self-worth. The partner’s reproaches reach us. Failure challenges us. Some people who experience repeated failures may then actually feel discouraged and having the feeling that they do not know or no longer know how to keep a partner, Christophe Giraud analyzes. At this point, a work on oneself can be useful. The goal: get back on the ground and dare to think that we too can live a beautiful story. Unless a future meeting proves it to us.
We stretch the beginning of our new love story before it becomes part of everyday life.
We fear for our freedom. We will be held to account if we come home late, tidy up an apartment, organize our schedule, choose someone “forever” … As if the couple were in prison? “The life of a couple has a dimension of constraint, for both men and women. It can be felt by young adults who are afraid of locking themselves too early in a marital or family affair, when they are encouraged to live their youth “, explains the specialist. So we take our time, we stretch the beginning of our new love story before it settles under one roof, in a daily life. We then experience more flexible and lighter stories, as some elderly people may experience who, after a divorce, for example, decide to take the time to preserve their regained autonomy. Keeping your independence while spending tender moments together is a new form of love and nothing forces us to exchange our keys if happiness prefers to have two bathrooms.
We have too many choices. Today, with the apps and the number of suitors per minute, we have the impression that it is useless to make an effort with someone, to adapt, to discover, since we can meet someone tomorrow. ‘Another more “perfect” one that would suit us better. However, in this modern world of seduction, the concern is not so much the multiplicity of choice. According to Christophe Giraud, the problem rather comes from the assurance that a new love story begins on the same register for the two partners. Because with applications, which allow you to easily get in touch, it is not easy to find lasting love. On the one hand, if we are afraid of getting involved in case the neighbor is more fun, our fear also comes from the risk that the crossed men are only waiting for sex. Why open up if we are not called back tomorrow? The main thing is to quickly discuss with people you meet online what you expect. We expose our values, we share our vision of love.
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