When the other leaves, our world collapses, and we try to understand, sometimes in truth, the reasons for its departure. We met Prune Quelling, coach and author of Give me back my ex, in order to better understand men and their reasons for breaking up. An interesting lighting followed by real keys to go to the reconquest of his love.
Do men leave for the same reasons as women? Can we “grant” them additional reasons, such as the fear of engagement which seems more masculine?
First, it should be noted that we are all equal in the face of amorous distress. When we fall in love, and when we are left. The essence of love is that it has no reason. It’s the same for disenchantment. When we don’t love anymore, sometimes we have trouble knowing why. We don’t understand where it comes from: we just notice that we love less, and we don’t explain it. For the fear of commitment, I do not see it in men more than in women, contrary to what people say. A lot of women are afraid to get involved too. It’s a question of personality and time, not of gender. You should know that this famous fear of the commitment that we grant to men is unfounded. Only, by repeating it, they themselves end up believing that they are afraid to take the plunge! Rest assured: when they fall in love, they are not afraid of anything at all! On the other hand, if there is one reason for separation that may be different, it is the arrival of the children, especially the first one. Many men suffer that their partner is now looking away from the child. They feel unnecessary. This sometimes pushes them to look elsewhere because they no longer feel they love. And in the long run, they leave.
Why can’t we grieve until we know why the other is gone? Why are we looking for a thousand explanations?
Precisely because we cling to reasons. However, there is none. In any case, not satisfactory. Not to be loved in return is unacceptable. So we are looking for something to console ourselves with. And then there is the physical comfort. Being against someone scores, anyway! Being in love gets you high, so when you break up, you fall downhill. It’s hyper-violent. We are looking for all means to recover from this violence that we have suffered. We fill the sudden loneliness with very concrete explanations.
Does finding the exact answer to his departure lead to finding the answer to “how to win him back”?
It depends on whether we are talking about a couple crisis or a separated couple. For example, if your partner is cheating on you, you may seek to understand what is in your behavior that has kept him away from you. And there, yes, knowing can help rebuild the couple. If he’s up for it, because to rebuild a couple, you need two architects. But if your partner has left you because he is suffocating, doesn’t feel loved anymore, or isn’t in love with you anymore, will knowing that helps you seduce him again? It is not always certain. On the other hand, it can tell you that you have been too stuffy or too demanding. And suddenly, you encourage you to be more emotionally autonomous.
What are the keys to keep him coming back?
To begin with, I think one has to ask, “Does he really have to come back?” If he left me, it’s not because he still loves me. We like to believe it, but isn’t that denial? From the moment you start this work of demystifying the other, most of the time, you don’t want to win them back. We understood that the relationship was not working, and we move forward. So the first key is to face this reality: “He is no longer in love with me”. Saying it may cause a reaction in the other, who used to be the only object of your love. But, is it in your best interests to take it back?
I believe that the breakups are also an opportunity to take stock of ourselves. Does this person make me stronger or break me down? We cannot escape disappointment in love, it happens to all of us, but we can seek to meet people who tend towards greater fulfillment.
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